Men Are Pigs
by proserpine84
Summary: Its Christmas Eve and Kakashi and an older Sakura are sent out on a mission. Apparentely, though, things aren't going too well for either of them.


_**Men Are Pigs**_

The world could end tomorrow and a twenty-two year old Haruno Sakura couldn't bring herself to care. Right now, she had more important matters to attend to. They were things like: how she was going to have to magically pull another pair of panties out of her ass, because she apparently had only packed the ones she was currently wearing. Not only that, but it was snowing outside. Any attempts to wash said pair of cotton granny-panties, in the river, would likely result in catching a nasty bout of pneumonia. Did she mention it was snowing? Sakura let out a frustrated growl. Needles to say, Christmas Eve was shaping up to be nothing short of a living hell for the kunoichi and the source of all her woes laid in one person.

"Everything alright?"

Book in hand and sitting on the other side of Sakura's gortex wall, Hatake Kakashi shook his head with a lopsided grin. Really, he secretly always found Sakura's temper tantrums extremely cute. Well, as long as her fists were dishing out the bodily harm to someone else, of course. His covered smile fell to the floor, however, from an unseen _something_ suddenly hurled his way. There was a thump to the floor after having seen its indentation mere inches from his masked face. (His guess was a sandal.)

"I'll take that as a no," Kakashi mumbled with a blink and a flip of a page.

Sakura seethed over her opened bag that looked to have thrown up all over her lap. For the last _month and a half_ she had said absolutely _nothing_ except how she'd been looking forward to the party that _she_ and Ino were _supposed_ to be throwing that year on that very _night_. It was supposed to be the blowout of the century! (And the place where she was supposed to have finally gotten herself a man!) She had even bought herself a new — sleazy — dress and everything! But no! With slit eyes and a curl to her lip, she snarled in her mission partner's seemingly oblivious direction, "Kakashi-sensei, did you purposely make it a point to ruin my Christmas this year? Did I not tell you I had plans? Is this payback for ruining your book? I told you it was an accident. You know I haven't gotten the hang of using my water jutsu just yet. "

Thinking of said book and its untimely demise, Kakashi wiped away a tear. Then he sent back a droopy-eyed stare to the area of the tent wall the kunoichi's voice had just come from.

"Sakura, that was a rare limited edition volume. It was the very last of its kind signed by the great Sennin himself." Pinching the bridge of his nose — calming himself down — Kakashi got himself back on track with a bland tone. "No. As I've told you before, this is a very important mission that Hokage-sama has given—"

"We're going to pick up Naruto's Christmas presents from Gaara for Kami's sake! How the hell is that so important?" Sakura furiously hurled back with a lip quivering and a fist crushing a poor, innocent sock.

Resting the small paperback on his lap, the Copy Ninja sighed. Although he agreed with Sakura, the truth was that Naruto couldn't just up and leave the village anytime he liked anymore. Not after Tsunade-sama had all but handed the title of Hokage over to him. Besides, there were other reasons Kakashi had specifically requested this particular kunoichi's aid … on a mission that even a mere wet-behind-the-ears genin could handle — while blind-folded with both hands tied behind his or her back.

Fifty percent of the real truth was that Gai had challenged him to another _duel_ of sorts … and Kakashi had _lost_. And, unfortunately, the price for their last _Rock Paper Scissors_ game would have cost him something he held very dear — his _pride_. There was no way in hell he was donning The Hated Green Leotard in that year's _Santa and His Little Elves_ workshop that Naruto had so kindly decided to put together for the village's children. (And no way was he walking around with green tinfoil wrapped around his feet) So, Kakashi's genius brain had told him that his best course of action was to run and hide, to leave the village for the time being until it all blew over.

And, after Naruto had green lighted his suggestion – under the influence of one too many glasses of eggnog he had helpfully given him – Kakashi had figured why go it alone?

Therein came the other fifty percent of the truth. Really, in his book, he thought that Sakura should feel lucky. He had graciously decided to spend his Christmas with her after all. It didn't really matter that it had been a tossup between her and Sai since Tenzou was too busy canoodling with Shizune. (A real no brainer, that one.) But Sakura didn't need to know that now did she? He liked his balls right where they were, thank you very much. Besides, he figured this would be the year he would finally tell her—

"Kakashi-sensei?"

Speak of the devil.

"Yes?"

"Don't take this the wrong way," Sakura plowed on, as her unseen fist trembled with barely suppressed rage, "but I seriously hate you right now."

"Well," Kakashi replied, "I'll just have to keep that in mind, now won't I?"

_Son of a bitch_, the Copy Ninja thought while silently running a gloved hand down the front of his face. She was supposed to be mildly irritated at him for pulling her away from the village, not sit there and want to crush his face into the ground. What had he forgotten? What had he done to deserve such ire? Kakashi seriously felt like he was forgetting something. Had she said she had plans? Did he take her away from something so important? He couldn't remember, but then again, it didn't really matter, because he was going to tell her something much more important that night.

Yes, he only hoped she liked the Christmas present he had actually taken the time to get her that year. Nothing says, "_You've grown into quite the fine young woman that I would like to now get to know better on a personal level,_" quite like crotchless panties and a pair of handcuffs. Or so Gara's sister Temari had once told him. (He really shouldn't have been staring at Sakura's butt the last time they had been in Suna. That fanned kunoichi was rather perceptive.) Of course, he only hoped that Sakura took the hint, because the notion that he wanted to spend some quality alone time with her had obviously gone right over her pretty little head. Really, he could never understand women.

"Sensei?"

Speak of the devil again.

"Yes, Sakura?"

The pregnant pause that suddenly filled Sakura's end had the tiny hairs on Kakashi's neck waving in the wind. This did not bode well for him, did not bode well for him at all. He could feel it in his bones! He could feel it in the pit of his stomach where that tuna sandwich now swished around in his belly! Or was that indigestion?

"Do you have any spare … boxers or briefs? Clean ones I mean," Sakura quickly put in, knowing how some men (Naruto) would overlook that last bit. God, how she wanted to shove a kunai in her stomach for even asking, but her need was dire people! She was sitting in her own filth and it was starting to freeze to her rump from the cold. Pride be damned! It was disgusting!

"Why?" the highly disturbed Copy Ninja cautiously posed. Seriously, he had wanted her to get into his pants sometime that night, but this was not quite the way he had imagined.

Sakura huffed, feeling that being blunt would be the best course of action to get what she needed, because, seriously, she had just asked him for his underwear. She was past the point of caring.

"_Because_," she replied quite peeved and then began the long tirade she had been holding back for quite some time now, "I mean, you actually followed me home and then timed me while I packed! You only gave me three minutes! How was I supposed to remember everything in that little amount of time? Not to mention I was too embarrassed to pull out any feminine products in front of you in the first place. I know that I'm not a little girl anymore, but you're still a man! But, don't get me wrong, though, I mean, I was going to go back and shove them in my bag when you weren't looking, but, by the time I had remembered, you were already clicking your stupid stopwatch and all but shoving me out the door! So, if it's anyone's fault that I'm not prepared, it's yours, Kakashi-sensei! So make with the reparations! "

Kakashi was wide-eyed during the long pause Sakura took to pant and gasp. He had to give her credit though, saying all that in one breath was an astounding feet. Even for her. Then he heard a grumbled, almost tear-filled, "it's a miracle I found a tampon swimming around in the bottom of my pack or so help me…"

A part of him felt bad. Really, he did, because, apparently, his little show of affection hadn't gone over quite as well as he had thought it would. (He had never been round to her new place before and wanted to see how she was faring.) But she was talking about borrowing his personal possessions here! To lend or not to lend, that was the question. If he did, she would have to keep them, because he shuddered to think what state she would return them in. Hm. Well, it wasn't like he didn't have any spare. He prided himself on being prepared after all. Hmmm…

Kakashi finally made up his mind, but not without consequence. He was never one to give anything without getting a little something in return. (Tenzou knew that all too well. It was partially the reason why his friend was always broke. _Partially_.) Besides, he could get her into his tent and also possibly get her in a better mood all in one blow. Really, sometimes he even amazed himself with his genius.

Rooting around in his pack, he pulled out three pairs of black boxers, saying, "I have what you requested. However, you have to come get them, Sakura. It's the least you can do since I'm letting you have them. Have. Not borrow. No need to return to sender."

"Jeez. Thanks, Sensei."

Kakashi ignored her sarcastic tone as he heard her making her way out of her tent over to him. Rooting around further in his bag, he smiled behind the mask as he pulled out her gold wrapped Christmas present. And then he looked down at his hand holding his underwear. And then back to the present. Back to the underwear. Back to the present.

Hanging his head, Kakashi cursed inwardly.

_Shit!_

"Sensei? What's that?" Sakura said while crawling into his tent and looking at the gold wrapped gift he was staring at in his hand.

"Oh, this?" She watched him say, before stuffing the item back into his bag. "It's nothing. Just one of the gifts Naruto had charged us with delivering to Suna."

_Yes,_ Kakashi thought. _Why ruin the fruits of my labor when I can't get anything in return?_

"Here you go," he said instead, handing off his faded boxers to the young woman in need. "By the way, do you have any plans for next week? Say Tuesday?"

Sakura raised a brow, thinking the man must be insane. Her voice matched her expression as she said, "Kakashi-sensei, next week Tuesday is my birthday." Then, anger taking over, she growled dangerously with slit eyes and a clenched jaw, "Did you forget again?"

Feigning laughter — trying to save his own ass — Kakashi scratched at the back of his head, before coughing into his hand.

"No, of course not," he replied with his usual bored tone. "Why, I already know what I'm going to get you."

"You do?" Sakura asked dubiously, his underwear clutched in her hands.

"Yes, I do," Kakashi nodded.

And he did. In fact, he had already bought it. It was sitting at the bottom of his bag. Kakashi just hoped his plans for her birthday went much smoother than the ones he had had for her Christmas. But, of course it would, he rationalized, because he would be there to spend it with her. Really, she was such the lucky lady and she didn't even know. However, he smiled, come next Tuesday she was going to be in for the surprise of her life. _Hm_ … Kakashi wondered. _I hope she cooks breakfast in the morning. I do enjoy eggs and toast after a night of fun. Good way to keep up ones strength, after using it all up!_

Sakura's eyebrows rose to her hairline at the happy little expression that suddenly covered her sensei's masked face. True, she couldn't see it all, but, from what she could see – his eye – it was extremely out of character from his usual lackadaisical behavior.

"Are you alright, Sensei?"

"I assure you I'm fine," Kakashi replied back. And he was, because he was probably more excited over her birthday then she was. Really, Christmas was overrated.

_The End_


End file.
